mothering

For Starters

An introduction to my life.

It’s my son’s first day in daycare and I am convinced that he has died and the daycare provider just hasn’t gotten around to calling me to tell me yet. She texted me to tell me that he had been sleeping for the last hour and he is adorable, and all I could think was, “He’s been asleep for an hour? Well that’s impossible. Obviously something is very very wrong.”

I will preface this by saying that there is no solution to this, other than continuing to walk forward. Put one foot in front of the other, let the days pass, and love the snot out of him when I’m with him.

I’ve gone around and around in my head. When I hit a problem, I create every possible solution until one actually works. I have yet to find the solution to this one.

Thought 1: Quit work, stay at home. But then we will be very tight on cash. And also, I will be crazy. Not eccentric crazy. Open the door on the freeway crazy. Post partum has been mean to me like that.

Thought 2: Win lottery, stay at home: See above, minus being tight on cash. (Maybe don’t throw out this idea completely.)

Thought 3: Work, child in daycare. Current solution, but will probably lead to my child not fully attaching to me and resenting me for remainder of life.

Thought 4: Work, child with nanny. But then we will be very tight on cash, to the point of making work seem not worth the time.  Leading me back to thought 1. And thought 3.

You get the point.

I get the reasons why it’s ok to be a working mom. I read Lean In. It seems really wonderful to read about the studies and know that, at least statistically, I’m not screwing over my son (at least not more than anyone else).

But I think this is hard. I think it’s hard for moms who work and for moms who stay at home.

I was a crusader, adamant about a woman’s RIGHT to go to work, be a wife, and be a mom.

But the reality looks a little more like wearing the most ridiculous nipple suctions while sitting in a locked bathroom, having milk pumped out of me and worrying if there will be enough, or if I will have to supplement with formula. (Let’s add that to my list of insecurities.)

Welcome to being a working mom. Here’s to not having answers.

261755_10150290602379874_2436766_n Rachel

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12 Comments

  • Reply
    For Starters | Teacher. Reader. Mom.
    January 14, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    […] in my experience, there is a lot of talking to/debating with yourself involved in being a mom (see Rachel’s thoughts 1-4). That’s why I believe it is important to talk to other moms and ask questions and then just […]

  • Reply
    For Starters | Teacher. Reader. Mom.
    January 14, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    […] in my experience, there is a lot of talking to/debating with yourself involved in being a mom (see Rachel’s thoughts 1-4). That’s why I believe it is important to talk to other moms and ask questions and then just […]

  • Reply
    Kara
    January 14, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    It is your legal right to have a place to pump that is private and not a bathroom. Demand it because nothing is worse than pumping in a bathroom. And it does get easier, watching your kids learn and thrive in day care is really amazing, connecting to other kids and adults, experiencing people and games that is not the same as home is a wonderful gift to give your kids. Relax have a glass of wine and play with him on the floor.

  • Reply
    Kara
    January 14, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    It is your legal right to have a place to pump that is private and not a bathroom. Demand it because nothing is worse than pumping in a bathroom. And it does get easier, watching your kids learn and thrive in day care is really amazing, connecting to other kids and adults, experiencing people and games that is not the same as home is a wonderful gift to give your kids. Relax have a glass of wine and play with him on the floor.

  • Reply
    Angie
    January 15, 2014 at 3:16 am

    It does get easier, Kara speaks much truth. Scarlett loves daycare, and every part of me feels it’s much better for her developmentally than her sitting at home with me, unless I was willing to convert my whole house into a place that is as child-proofed and child accessible as a daycare, which I’m not. But still after what is probably 200+ days at daycare, I still think ALL of thoughts that are listed above, daily. Maybe my problem is I don’t drink enough wine…haha. Rachel, I would really love to see you sometime, and meet that cute baby.

  • Reply
    Angie
    January 15, 2014 at 3:16 am

    It does get easier, Kara speaks much truth. Scarlett loves daycare, and every part of me feels it’s much better for her developmentally than her sitting at home with me, unless I was willing to convert my whole house into a place that is as child-proofed and child accessible as a daycare, which I’m not. But still after what is probably 200+ days at daycare, I still think ALL of thoughts that are listed above, daily. Maybe my problem is I don’t drink enough wine…haha. Rachel, I would really love to see you sometime, and meet that cute baby.

  • Reply
    Rachel
    January 15, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement! I know that it will get easier, and I don’t want time to rush along, as it feels like it’s going so fast already! As it turns out, one week in, my son LOVES daycare. He comes home super happy and also exhausted from playing with the other baby all day. So you’re right, Angie, it might even be healthier for all of us. 🙂

    And I’ll work on the pumping situation.

  • Reply
    Rachel
    January 15, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement! I know that it will get easier, and I don’t want time to rush along, as it feels like it’s going so fast already! As it turns out, one week in, my son LOVES daycare. He comes home super happy and also exhausted from playing with the other baby all day. So you’re right, Angie, it might even be healthier for all of us. 🙂

    And I’ll work on the pumping situation.

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    January 15, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Rachel! So great to see your blog and read your words that deeply resonate. And I will have to say- with an almost 4 year-old, the journey continues, sweetens, and challenges me every day. I hope to meet that baby of yours sometime soon!!

    • Reply
      Kate Mitchell Alfonzo
      January 15, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      Ah, didn’t realize I wasn’t logged it- that Anonymous comment was mine…

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    January 15, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Rachel! So great to see your blog and read your words that deeply resonate. And I will have to say- with an almost 4 year-old, the journey continues, sweetens, and challenges me every day. I hope to meet that baby of yours sometime soon!!

    • Reply
      Kate Mitchell Alfonzo
      January 15, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      Ah, didn’t realize I wasn’t logged it- that Anonymous comment was mine…

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