Education PARENTING Teaching

You’re Doing It Right (At Least Some Of It)

The worst part of the first year of teaching is failing. Not failing once, or twice. No, failing hundreds of times, again and again.

Or at least, that’s my opinion.

Nothing I was doing was right. From the first day, not know how to respond when Tiara told me I had a nice ass, to the day before Christmas vacation when, in a moment of bonding I “walked it out” to Unk and Royal told me “I didn’t ever be needing to be doing that again,” I grasped desperately for each inch of progress, and mostly felt the rocks give way on my climb toward improvement.

Dramatic? Maybe. But that first year was dramatic.

I’m coaching new teachers and it is the week before school starts. Tensions are high, and the consensus amongst everyone is that everything is overwhelming. Some are masking it more than others, some are grasping at the progress like I did my first year, others have let go of the cliffside altogether and are bracing for the crash at the bottom.

This summer I had two months of professional development about how to be a coach. There was a lot to learn. One of the components we were taught was to view coaching from a “strengths-based approach”. Amongst the other “learnings” of the summer, that one seemed a little unnecessary. Why was it worth mentioning that we believe in celebrating strengths? Duh. I am familiar with the compliment sandwich: start with a positive, then say what you really want to say, end with a positive.

Truthfully, I’ve always preferred the “Atkins-diet approach”. Give it to me straight. Tell me how I’m failing. Rip off the bandaid and stop the sugar coating. Leave off the bread.

I know, don’t you wish I was your coach?

But the importance of “strength-based coaching” was been reiterated to me this week in my professional and private life.

While I’ve been busy meeting teachers and helping set up classrooms, my son has been busy learning how to walk. He isn’t there yet, but he’s gotten very creative in finding props to use as walkers so he can move around the room. His favorite is the coffee table.

He’s been pulling himself up onto furniture for awhile now, but the newest development is to pull himself up, rock slightly forward and backward, and then let go of the table. For increasingly longer increments of time he has started to stand and then either puts his hands back on the table or falls on his butt.

The first time this happened he had such an incredible look of concentration, which was immediately broken by my exclamation of “YOU’RE STANDING! YOU’RE STANDING!!!” Grabbing back onto me, he grinned, sat down, and started clapping for himself.

And that, my friends, is the strengths-based model. Seeing something someone is doing well, and naming it for them so they know to keep doing it.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about. How my idea of only thinking about the bad stuff so I can be better assumes that I know when I’m doing things well. And a lot of times I don’t. A lot of times I feel like there’s nothing but bad stuff. A lot of times I’m afraid to believe in the good stuff, because it makes me vulnerable to disappointment when something happens that shatters the image or calls my confidence into question.

When I watch my son let go of his grip and stand there proudly on his own, my first thought isn’t, “Well, there you go again, not able to stand up.” My first thought is jubilation. My first thought is fondness and pride and love. The same fondness and pride and love that I deny myself, because I’m so busy tearing myself down.

compliment sandwich

What if instead I was willing to eat the bread? Instead of ignoring my husband when he says I’m beautiful, what if I let his opinion sink in, let his vote actually count? Lately I’ve been running an election and it hasn’t been a democracy. What if instead of barely listening to the good stuff from my boss because I’m so busy bracing myself for all the mistakes, I allowed myself to consider how those good things happened and take some time to think through how to continue to make them happen. What if I took a deep breath and said, “YOU’RE STANDING!” I’m still a beginner at this coaching and parenting thing, and sometimes standing is it’s own miracle.

As cynical as I am about the compliment sandwich and the strengths-based approach, is it worse than my inner critic?

As I walk through the halls of the school next Tuesday, I have no idea what I will see. I imagine it possible that more than one of my teachers will, like I did my first day, look at the clock at 10:00am and realize they are in for one of the longest, worst rides of their lives. Regardless, I want to be the person who can see the good in what they are doing it, name it, and encourage them to continue on (possibly after having a good cry and a glass of wine).

And then, when I come home, I want to think back on the day and not just cringe at the bad stuff, but smile at the good stuff, too. And then maybe I’ll have some wine, or maybe a sandwich, including the bread.

261755_10150290602379874_2436766_nRachel

P.S. The sandwich in the picture is from Little Goat restaurant here in Chicago, and was (I’m ashamed to admit) the picture I took to brag about my meal on Facebook. Regardless your feelings of this post or compliment sandwiches, let me highly recommend this pulled pork sandwich of deliciousness.

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10 Comments

  • Reply
    Karen
    August 29, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Love this. Remembering and celebrating even the smallest of victories, like showing up everyday no matter how bad traffic is, or that you spilled coffee all over your self (that would be me). We do learn the most from our failures (I do wish these failures added IQ points, speaking for myself, so I only experienced them once). Just thinking how lucky those teachers are for you to be their coach and mentor. <3

  • Reply
    Karen
    August 29, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Love this. Remembering and celebrating even the smallest of victories, like showing up everyday no matter how bad traffic is, or that you spilled coffee all over your self (that would be me). We do learn the most from our failures (I do wish these failures added IQ points, speaking for myself, so I only experienced them once). Just thinking how lucky those teachers are for you to be their coach and mentor. <3

  • Reply
    Leslie Foster
    August 29, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    It’s interesting to me how, thought our lives continue to look more and more different, I still feel like we’re living parallel lives in some ways. The topic of this post in (at least in my brain) closely tied to some lessons God’s been trying to teach me lately about how my expectation of perfection out of myself slops over into being demanding toward others. The result is that I don’t compliment often and I finally figured out it’s because I think that if I compliment you for X, I won’t succeed in getting you to realize that Y is still lacking, so I focus on telling you how to do Y better instead of saying you’re doing great with X. Like what you said. And the root problem? Me expecting too much of me. Anyway, I’m rambling, but the point is: Hear Hear! I agree with what you’re saying and encourage us both to compliment others well and often, and to take our own compliments deep into our hearts where they can make us both stronger and softer.

    • Reply
      Rachel
      August 30, 2014 at 2:42 am

      Yes! I think this has gotta be a life long lesson for me, but hopefully I can make a step of progress here or there. And I hope the same for you. 🙂

  • Reply
    Leslie Foster
    August 29, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    It’s interesting to me how, thought our lives continue to look more and more different, I still feel like we’re living parallel lives in some ways. The topic of this post in (at least in my brain) closely tied to some lessons God’s been trying to teach me lately about how my expectation of perfection out of myself slops over into being demanding toward others. The result is that I don’t compliment often and I finally figured out it’s because I think that if I compliment you for X, I won’t succeed in getting you to realize that Y is still lacking, so I focus on telling you how to do Y better instead of saying you’re doing great with X. Like what you said. And the root problem? Me expecting too much of me. Anyway, I’m rambling, but the point is: Hear Hear! I agree with what you’re saying and encourage us both to compliment others well and often, and to take our own compliments deep into our hearts where they can make us both stronger and softer.

    • Reply
      Rachel
      August 30, 2014 at 2:42 am

      Yes! I think this has gotta be a life long lesson for me, but hopefully I can make a step of progress here or there. And I hope the same for you. 🙂

  • Reply
    Beth Saav
    August 30, 2014 at 1:01 am

    Such good insights. You are so wise, my dear sis. I admire you.

    • Reply
      Rachel
      August 30, 2014 at 2:19 am

      Likewise my dear sister.

  • Reply
    Beth Saav
    August 30, 2014 at 1:01 am

    Such good insights. You are so wise, my dear sis. I admire you.

    • Reply
      Rachel
      August 30, 2014 at 2:19 am

      Likewise my dear sister.

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